Bouncing Back!

I met Chris last night and it was an absolute, fucking, nightmare. I wanted to get my phone back (crappy old iPhone that he's using but I want for sentimental reasons) and I had to return this key-thing of his. What should have been a very simple exchange turned into a wretched hour-long sit at a bar and then a fucking horrible dinner experience at an otherwise-great tapas restaurant.

Basically, I don't think I am capable of being civilized to him anymore. He went from being 'grovelly' to annoyingly sarcastic to pissed off at me! What the flying fuck did I do wrong that gives him any right to angry? Ridiculous.

After these two horrendous hours, I finally just told him that all I wanted to hear was a damn good explanation for his cheating and lying on me again, and that he might as well come up with a good lie and make it worth my while because regardless of what he says, I would never want to see him again. His answer?

"Well, whatever, I'm just a dumb fuck to you...."

And that is when I collected my shit and left because I realized that it would be pointless trying to extract a 'reason' for a guy like that. There are no reasons -- what could there possibly be? A cheater is just a cheater, full stop. It's practically in his blood to cheat, lie, and get away with it. He cannot fathom that his behavior is wrong, hurtful, despicable and immoral. Because the bottom line is that he's just out for as much good times as possible.

Let me digress for a second: I don't care and I wouldn't care if I knew that him and I were in a casual relationship where we could see other people. But he acts as though he has to own me, and is blindly jealous of every single male friend I have, and gets upset whenever I was with 'other guys'. He, on the other hand, was absolutely free to do whatever he wanted, and didn't seem to get it when I get pissed off -- how the hell is that fair?

At the end of the day, I don't think he's a very smart person...!

Unfortunately, even after all that lameness, we didn't manage to do that damned exchange!! I am so tempted to just tell him to forget about it altogether but...fuck!

Anyway, I ended up meeting some friends of Giovanni's; all these cool Italian guys who were out for a drink at Oxford St in Paddington [read about that here!] One of them proved to be particularly interesting -- the fact that he's attractive obviously had nothing to do with it at all. ;)

And by the end of the night (or morning I suppose), I finally realized that being single in Australia is definitely the right way to be. Because wasting my time on a sad sack like Chris is only causing me to miss out on fun people, fun times, and doing what I truly want without having to answer to a psycho, possessive bastard!

Hopefully tonight will turn out to be just as interesting as last night -- check back in tomorrow. Cheers :)

Single again

The bottom line is that people want to feel that someone else wants them; they want to feel that someone else's life is less meaningful without their presence.

But not everyone can give that, and not everyone gets the chance to have that. Talking about things doesn't necessarily change anything. You can't force someone to want you, or to fall in love with you.

Or change for you.

Or do anything, really.

Realizing that hurts, but I think most of all it hurts your pride and makes you think that you are somehow a person who doesn't deserve genuine love, care or concern. I refuse to believe or tolerate that -- I know I deserve better than the treatment I've been receiving.

The first time I discovered his indiscretion, I took an abnormal amount of sleeping pills to try and fall asleep. I was drunk virtually every night and didn't eat for a week.

Today, I cried to my closest friends; people who know me inside out and love me in a way that he never could. They made me smile and laugh ten minutes after I was sobbing in my closet. I will now attempt to pull myself together, salvage whatever is left of my pride and self-esteem and face tomorrow when it comes.

"Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours." Karma may have bitten me hard in the ass, but I'm going to put an end to it. True, I haven't been the best girl, but any number of people will attest to the fact that I am an amazingly dedicated girlfriend -- but for the right guy. And he is definitely not it. I have been lying to myself for the last few months but I can't go down this road any longer.

You'll be my witness; this is the last time I deal with Chris. It is time to live a life that is fully my own, in a completely foreign city. Wish me luck. I think I'll need it.

I'm in Sydney

So, for those not in the loop, I now reside in Sydney. :) You can keep up with my travelogue at http://maryaroundtheworld.blogspot.com

In the meantime, I have been reunited with Mr. French, and we still have a lot of issues to move through (and move past, I might add) but so far it's been blissful and he has done an excellent job of playing the part of caring, concerned, loving and obsessed boyfriend. I have no reason to complain....! I'm just taking it in stride and thinking of it as starting from scratch, with no history -- it is much harder than it sound but I am determined.

Yes, I know a million people who would love to smack me on the head for returning to someone who's loyalty is in doubt, but they will just have to trust that I know what I'm doing... even when I'm not sure that I do!

Walt Whitman

"WHOEVER you are, holding me now in hand,
Without one thing, all will be useless,
I give you fair warning, before you attempt me further,
I am not what you supposed, but far different.

Who is he that would become my follower?
Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?

The way is suspicious—the result uncertain, perhaps destructive;
You would have to give up all else—I alone would expect to be your God, sole and exclusive,
Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,
The whole past theory of your life, and all conformity to the lives around you, would have to be abandon’d;
Therefore release me now, before troubling yourself any further—Let go your hand from my shoulders,
Put me down, and depart on your way.

Or else, by stealth, in some wood, for trial,
Or back of a rock, in the open air,
(For in any roof’d room of a house I emerge not—nor in company,
And in libraries I lie as one dumb, a gawk, or unborn, or dead,)
But just possibly with you on a high hill—first watching lest any person, for miles around, approach unawares,
Or possibly with you sailing at sea, or on the beach of the sea, or some quiet island,
Here to put your lips upon mine I permit you,
With the comrade’s long-dwelling kiss, or the new husband’s kiss,
For I am the new husband, and I am the comrade.

Or, if you will, thrusting me beneath your clothing,
Where I may feel the throbs of your heart, or rest upon your hip,
Carry me when you go forth over land or sea;
For thus, merely touching you, is enough—is best,
And thus, touching you, would I silently sleep and be carried eternally.

But these leaves conning, you con at peril,
For these leaves, and me, you will not understand,
They will elude you at first, and still more afterward—I will certainly elude you,
Even while you should think you had unquestionably caught me, behold!
Already you see I have escaped from you.

For it is not for what I have put into it that I have written this book,
Nor is it by reading it you will acquire it,
Nor do those know me best who admire me, and vauntingly praise me,
Nor will the candidates for my love, (unless at most a very few,) prove victorious,
Nor will my poems do good only—they will do just as much evil, perhaps more;
For all is useless without that which you may guess at many times and not hit—that which I hinted at;
Therefore release me, and depart on your way."

- Walt Whitman, Whoever You Are, Holding Me Now In Hand